Meet Flor.

She (along with Milagros, Mariana, Maria... and others) is one of my favorite girls ever. She's 15, deaf since birth, and speaks only in sign. She has one of the most shining smiles and beautiful laughs I've ever seen or heard. She's full of humor, teasing, and sometimes attitude. She has a hunger to know more about the God she only recently gave her life to.

 

I got to hear about that tonight. We had a great conversation, each sitting on the top bunk in our room, she because she was going to bed and me because I wanted to talk to her. I had been wanting to hear from her own... well, her own hands what had been told me by others, and I asked Jesus for an opportunity to hear and to encourage her in any way. Well, He gave it to me, and it was so cool. In fact, we ended up deciding to get together in the next few days to read and talk about the Bible together! She really wants to learn more, but it's hard for her to understand, especially since her reading comprehension level is fairly low. I am SO excited about this opportunity. I would appreciate your prayers... I have nothing to give except for Jesus. Can't wait to see what He wants to do!

 

Here I am in Mexico again. I'm only here for a few weeks, I know, but my heart is singing with joy; joy in my good Father who will never leave or forsake me, and joy that for right now, He has led me here.

The following is a few glimpses of my life right now: the children. Just little instances, moments that made me stop and think, things about them that touched me.

 

A few days ago, I sat down next to Nayeli when she was reading something in her Bible and started talking to her about it. Then she started telling me about something it reminded her about, some memory with her family.

“It was raining,” she said, “And my uncle was crying because it was raining…”

“Why?” I asked, confused. “I love it when it rains!”

“Because the water would come all into the house,” she said.

I said, “Oh,” feeling ashamed of my thoughtlessness and amazed at my ignorance of true poverty. It sobers me to think of something so beautiful to me being something that would make a grown man cry. What these kids have seen and lived through…

 

The other night, bedtime prayers with one of the girls turned into a “telling God my whole life story” time. She told how her mom had left her with her grandma at only a year old. She told about how long it had been since she had seen her brothers.

“Please, let my brother come and see me!” she prayed. “Please let him come before Christmas. And please, help me learn to read."

 

 

David and Michelle Bonsell, the directors here at the school, are an amazing couple. My respect and admiration for them has grown lately, as I see them spend themselves for Jesus and these kids, day after day, year after year, full of faith and not complaining. I am so thankful that the children have "substitute parents" like that. But still, I can't imagine what it must be like for so many of them who have family members, but not a solid, healthy family they call their own.

It touched my heart to hear about the other day, when David and Michelle had the three littlest boys, brothers, in town. These boys have lived with them for several years now, and are probably the most 'at home' at the school out of all of them. But still... like I said. Well, apparently David was going to go into the store and get something, and one of the boys wanted to go with him. Then, on second thought, the little boy begged Michelle to come in, too. "Come on," he said, "Let's all go in together--like a family!"

Flor showed up yesterday, after having been gone for a week or so due to sickeness and family things. I was happy about that, since I hadn't seen her since I had been here. :) I had missed her.

A little while after that first happy reunion, I came into our room to get something. She was in here too, and we hugged again and exclaimed on how happy we were to see each other. She turned to me and signed, “Thanks to God you are here!”

I agreed with a smile, but she had more to say. “Remember when you were here before? You said to pray that you’d come back. Well, I did, and here you are!”

 

My present stretch of road: glimpses of the journey

I can finally say I know where the path is leading a few steps in front of me. At least, I know what I'm planning. That is something to thank Jesus about, right there! This time of waiting has been very good, and He has taught me persistance, patience, and focus through it all. It has not been easy, but it has been good. And now that He has worked things out and I have direction, I am very thankful and very excited for what He has in store, but I know now in a deeper way that His answer to my prayers is not so much the specific path laid before me, but just Himself.

These journal entries are just snapshots of what God has been doing and how He has been gently, faithfully leading me. I know, it's a long blog post. I would likely skim it if I were you. :) Only please, as you read this, don't get distracted looking at me or my confusion and imperfection or lack of persistance or anything else; look at Jesus and how patient and good He is. 

"This my song through endless ages: Jesus doeth all things well!"

 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

(A few days before leaving Haiti)

This morning I sat out under the little thatched pagoda, knees drawn up onto the hard bamboo bench, and looked out over a hot, mostly expressionless ocean.

“I trusted You to take me back to México,” I remembered softly, but with emotion, “and You did. I trusted You to give me the strength I needed, and the words I needed when I needed them, and You did. I trusted You to lead me, and You brought me here.”

I drew a deep breath. “I trusted You to make Your purpose for me being here clear, and to accomplish everything You wanted accomplished over this summer.” I swallowed hard, and my vision grew a little blurry as I looked out across the sea. “And even though I can’t see it all, I trust that You have. I trust that even when I am unfaithful, You are faithful—for You cannot deny Yourself. I trust,” I said, crying now, “that You are enough. I trust that what You have done in me and done through me over this time is enough, worth You bringing me here...

 

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

(Back at home)

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what people call “culture shock” or “jet lag” before. Not that I know of, anyway. But settling back in here has been a bit surprisingly difficult emotionally. I’ve found myself pretty up-and-down, and having to remember that is not what I go by. I’ve been ecstatically happy to be home, loving my room and feeling like I want to just stay in here forever, and then I’ve been terribly cross and irritable and not liking much of anything. I’ve had great times of prayer where it seems so clear, like the mist is gone and I can finally see ahead of me, and I’ve had feelings of aimlessness and apathy about the future. As I think and pray about what areas to plug in to and what this next season should look like, I’m not happy to find myself half-way wishing I could just stay at home with my family and lead a quiet, comfortable little life.

Oh Jesus, thank You, thank You that You don’t do that! Thank You that You didn’t change, that You haven’t stopped loving me or stopped having a will or a plan for the future, a plan that will glorify You and delight Your heart; and mine, when it’s right with You. I love You, my Father! I run into Your arms again right now. Don’t ever let me go.

 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My faith was strengthened again tonight, as I sat on the floor in the living room, listening to Dad tell about his journey to Truth. He got choked up as he recounted the time when he was lost in the mountains of Ecuador…

He was headed for the place where his friends were camping. He had been up there once before, but now a thick fog surrounded him, and he could not tell which way to go. Alone and afraid, he cried out to the Lord for help. Just then, the fog parted! He saw the path, and skipped down it in complete joy and thankfulness.

That evening he reached the area where he thought the camp should be, but by then the fog had closed in again, and he couldn’t see. Thinking it useless to go further in the growing dark, he was going to bed down for the night. But then he called out for his friends, just in case. And what do you know—the camp was only like 100 yards from where he stood, and his friends heard him!

That story jumped out at me with such significance. I saw myself in it. God has parted the fog for me before. He has guided me in amazing ways. I’ve seen Him work. But now, a little farther down the path, it’s foggy again and growing dark, so I find myself preparing to bed down there for the night. Almost as if hey, I’ve seen my miracle. I can’t expect another one. But I was reminded in this story that He still wants to do more. Why wouldn’t He?

Me and my bro :)

Monday, November 05, 2012

I think… I believe I am supposed to go to Mexico. I still don’t know all the details about when and how and where, but I am thinking soon, and staying ‘til Christmas.

I also think I really would love to go with His Little Feet after that, and it looks like that might work out. That… is exciting. J

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I just chatted with Petra, and started wondering if it’s worth going down there for such a short time. Even though it looks perfect for Kelly standing in for me with HLF, and Christa seems good with that, and I thought that was what I was supposed to do… I don’t know.

My God is still good.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Went bowling tonight with the HLF team. While we were out, Christa got word that the remaining four Haitian children have been approved for visa application. Thank You, Jesus!!! Kourtney responded with a chipper, “Now Christy’s coming on tour!” I wonder if she’s right. Jesus, thank You for Your guidance and Your perfect care.

 

Friday, November 9

So, where am I at with direction and plans? Well, today we found out that the tour has been set back again, which kind of confirmed my thoughts yesterday about just going ahead and going to Mochis for a month. But I do want to go on tour, after that if not before. At this point I just believe that God has set this opportunity before me and not said ‘no,’ so I think I will take it. As far as Mexico, today I have sensed Him affirming that it is His errand, so He will supply! I felt such a need to pray today, which I did have some time for this afternoon.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Tonight I’m still in limbo. J Sound familiar? Yes… I feel quite positive about going on tour, but I’m still trying to see how it could work to go down to MX first, and it’s proving to be a bit difficult. Oh well; no reason to stress about it now. I just don’t want to try and finagle something and push it into action if it’s not God’s doing, you know? Dad coming down is sounding like a pretty slim chance, so I’m having to decide if I would want to go ahead anyway. Lord, again, I need You! Thank You for leading me!!!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I still know no more on my future plans, but have a definite relief to feel like I’m waiting on other people to decide, instead of it all resting on “me”. I can wait. He is still working.

 

 

Monday, November 12, 2012

I have been feeling weary, but right now I feel at rest. Jesus, You are great! You are good. You are enough for me—my Bread of Life—no matter what is going on around me. Even if all my plans crumble to the ground, You are enough. But I will not fear that, because if I am trusting You, then my plans crumbling to the ground only means the opportunity to see Yours rise out of the ruins.

I praise You that when I am weak, You are strong. Well, that would be now. I am weak, Jesus! I don’t know where to go from here, how to work things out, when to push and when to wait. I will just trust You to be strong! And also realize that it’s not about knowing what I’m doing; it’s about abiding in You and being faithful where You have placed me RIGHT NOW. Even if all I know is five minutes at a time, You have given me what I need to be completely satisfied, strengthened, and full of joy in that.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Here I am, sitting on the other side of the mist. What do you know? I think that weary, half-desperate feeling that you’re never getting anywhere is almost like that dark hour before the dawn. I can’t say I wasn’t tempted to give up hoping that God would work something out for me and show me what it was, tempted to "settle down for the night in the middle of the fog," unaware that the destination was within hearing distance. But Jesus was faithful to encourage me, to give me glimpses of hope, to give me the strength to hold on to who He is.

Now I find myself standing in the fresh air looking out over a crisp, clear piece of scenery. My heart is smiling, a bit. No, laughing.

Tonight I could barely keep it in as we sat around in the living room for a time of worship with my family and a few friends. Finally I just looked up at Dad. “Can I say something?” He said ‘of course,’ so I opened my mouth and shared with them what God was doing. They all rejoiced with me. It hasn’t been easy waiting, I told them—and they know. They’ve wondered with me for the past couple of months, and are probably almost as relieved as I am to finally know something. J Our God is a good Shepherd!

 

So here is the plan: I fly out next Thursday (early Thanksgiving morning) with Erin, a friend of mine, to Mexico. We plan to be there for about three weeks, helping out at the deaf school however we can. God really guided and provided for this, and since it is something I believe that He put on my heart and made possible (as opposed to me just pushing my way because I wanted it so badly), I am excited to see how He sustains and moves and works during this trip!

After that, if it is His will, I will come back here to Colorado, spend Christmas with my family, and then head out with the His Little Feet international children’s choir for the next 9 months! It is still tentative, since it depends on a lot of very "hanging-in-the-balance" things as far as visas and such, but I know God will do what is best, and that is enough.

 

 

For any of you who find yourselves in similar situations as far as waiting and wondering, let me encourage you not to lose hope. These can be some of the most precious times, as Jesus draws you to Himself in a deeper way than ever before, and as your faith is tried and strengthened. You hold on to who He is and what He promised, even when you don’t see or feel it. Your faith is precious to Him. And remember: He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him! (Hebrews 11:6) Do not grow weary of seeking, or stop asking. Our God is a good Shepherd, and He never fails!

 

 

Purpose

You know, I’m excited. A world of possibilities spreads out before me in a shimmering haze of color, and I have the thrill of knowing that in the position of being in Jesus and having His life in me, nothing is impossible. I have dreams I believe He has given me for the future. I have the opportunity to pour myself out for love of Him, and see Him work in my life and through me to others. I have purpose.

That’s a good thing. God Himself says that “without vision, the people perish.” We’ve all seen the complete devastation that lack of vision can cause in a person’s life. We have to know what we’re living for, or life is not worth living.

But my purpose does not—cannot—come from my dreams for the future. Not even ministry dreams. My purpose can’t come from the call of God on my life to serve Him in a certain way or a certain place. It can’t come from my hopes or my plans. That is not enough purpose for my life, and it is not stable. In just a moment, it could all come crashing down. The particular ministry I want to be a part of could disband and fade away. The people I follow could fail me. An accident could happen and leave me useless for the work I hoped to do. Then what?

Even my present circumstances, my friends, my family cannot give me the purpose I need—and I live in a great place, have amazing friends, and am part of an incredible family. I love my family! We have our struggles and weak points, but I feel incredibly blessed to be able to share life with them, watch God work in their lives, and follow Him together. Yet even they can’t hold me up. They, believe it or not, let me down sometimes. They give my life color and music, but they can’t give it breath. They are finite, human, susceptible to making wrong decisions, falling short of what they should be, even leaving when I need them most. Then what?

Then only One Thing remains. The only sure drive for my life is the Creator of life Himself. The only purpose that will not fade is that of loving Him and living in Him. The only ground that cannot be shaken is the Rock.

That is where I will stand. That is my vision, my purpose. From that will flow the rest; He will guide me where to go, plant His dreams and desires in my heart, supply me with everything I need and bless me beyond what is reasonable. But my hope is in who He is, not what He does. I seek Him, not just His protection or His blessings or even His guidance.

Which, incidentally, is what I’m really wanting right now, even needing. I need Him to tell me what He wants out of this next season of my life. But He is showing me that more than anything else, even more than I need a clear outline or picture of the next step, I need Him. Just Him; His nature, His love, His grace. And I can trust Him, even when I can’t see ahead. He is good, and He is trustworthy. Just watch with me, and see what He does.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Well, here we come. We’re only a couple of hours away from home now, gliding down the highway packed into our cozy big van. It’s kind of fun coming back with the team. I have stayed longer the last few times we’ve gone to México, so it’s been awhile since I’ve done that. And this team… well, I’ve gotten kind of used to them, you know. They’re not a bad bunch. Not a bad bunch at all.

 

This trip has been wonderful. Lots of hot days packed with projects, spontaneous stretching experiences, and moments of consciously needing God’s grace… but so good, so full of joy, so faith-building.

I was challenged, from the very first day, to step out of my comfort zone. Watching some of our team members walk up to people at a gas station and just start sharing Jesus with them made me see my own cowardice so much more, and inspired me to let God take more control of that area of my life. We brought a box full of little Gospels of John in Spanish, and kept a list of the people that we were able to share with or give a Gospel of John to, so we could pray for them together.

I don’t think I have had so many chances to testify in one week in my entire life. It seemed like everywhere I turned, I was being stretched. But how wonderful! It is exciting to see God leading me gently out of my comfort zone and teaching me dependence as I step out in obedience and declare who He is and what He has done in my life.

It started with the first night of our trip, when we stopped at a small Hispanic church in Mesa, AZ, and shared with the people there. Several of us gave our testimonies, and then Reis gave a short message. After the service, these gracious people blessed us with dinner and then let us spend the night there at the church.

As soon as we got to the school in Los Mochis, we pretty much hit the ground running. Michelle Bonsell, the director’s wife, is an incredibly organized lady and very good at delegating, so we always had plenty to do. Between cooking and cleaning and mending and sewing and painting and picking lice and doing laundry (for the ladies), and building shelves and fixing things and running errands and organizing the tool shed and installing fans (for the guys), we kept a full schedule. It was great, not only having the chance to pour out for Jesus and love Him through serving these precious people, but also to be part of such a big group of eager servants, accomplishing so much more than one person could by themselves.

.One of the highlights of our week was the youth conference we held on Saturday. We had some seeming opposition or attempted intimidation from the enemy as we drew near to Saturday afternoon—such as a tropical storm on the forecast and lots of puddles in the main area at the school where the conference would take place—but we just moved forward, believing that if this was of God, then nothing could stop us. And sure enough, by the time 3 o’clock rolled around and over 100 people gathered at the school, the rain stopped and the sun came out, and everything got set up just in time!

Dad gave an opening introduction/short message, setting the foundation for the evening by challenging the young people to look at how Jesus describes the “normal” Christian life, instead of settling for what we see around us in church. Then we split into two groups, and David Bonsell, Daniel, Charlie and Reis talked to the guys, while Kelly and Lindy and I talked to the girls about what it means to be a woman who is poured out for the Lord. After that, we served México-style hot dogs and enjoyed talking to old friends and meeting new ones before gathering again for a time of worship and a main message—“In Christ”—by Dwight. Thanks to Him, I believe that Jesus was lifted high that evening, and many people were challenged and encouraged in their walk with God! We are so grateful for all the prayer that went into this event. Please pray that the seeds planted would take root and grow in good soil!

Many of you have probably heard about Abigail, the 13-year-old girl who came to the school out of a very bad home situation last time we were down there, right? Well, seeing her back at school and doing so well was a definite encouragement this week! She still has some issues to deal with and still needs Jesus to gain full control of her life, but just the fact that she is living at the school, learning how to read, and amazingly more compliant and happy than she was at first, is evidence of God’s grace and answers to prayer. Please continue to pray for Abi!

 

Okay, this post is getting a bit long, so I’ll try to wrap it up. But I do want to make sure and mention the opportunities we had to share Jesus with the older deaf kids on Monday and Tuesday. None of the deaf students ended up showing up at the conference on Saturday, so David and Michelle agreed to let us do a little “mini-conference” just for them as part of their schooling. The girls all went into Petra’s room and had a great time of testimonies and sharing about Jesus, Mom had a little time with some of the younger girls, and the guys heard from our guys at the same time. Afterwards, one of the deaf young men stepped forward and declared his desire to let Jesus have full control of his life!

This evening in the van, we spent some time discussing what God had done, what we had learned, and what we could improve on for next time. Many of us mentioned how challenged and encouraged we were by watching each other step out and be bold in speaking about Jesus. Now we’re home, and I pray that we do not loose any of what He has been teaching us, but allow Him to continue to shape us and use us here!

August 31, 2012: The day I left Haiti.

It was just barely getting light when my ride arrived. Annie walked with me to the stairs, and Gerda walked the whole way, very South African. We hugged, and I climbed into the back seat of the car and closed the door. There we went. Just like that, up the palm-lined driveway and out into Haiti.

As soon as we passed through the gates of Club Indigo, I saw three Haitian women carrying buckets on their heads. Early in the morning, heading up the hill, skillfully balancing the 5-gallon buckets.

T.I.H., as the saying goes among foreigners here. This is Haiti.

I thought of that as I rode through the little town of Montrois, along the coastline, through towns and past banana plantations and shacks and people and animals and colorfully painted buildings. T.I.H. Driving is a little crazy there; I found myself praying that no one would get in the way of our car as we careened down the road, sometimes passing a slow, overloaded tap-tap even though another car was in sight coming the other direction. T.I.H. We passed a tent city in Port au Prince on our way to the airport. I had never actually seen one before, but I guess the sea of blue plastic is a common scene there. T.I.H. Occasionally, you see empty plastic bottles all over the edges of the road, or a tipped-over dumpster, or burning tires in the middle of the road. Protests. T.I.H.

Now I am home, back in the United States of America. The streets where I live are not lined with trash. We have reliable hot water in the house. The grocery store across the street carries almost every kind of food I could ask for. People observe the traffic laws, for the most part. It is familiar here; I know the language, the customs. The general public appears more busy than hopeless, even though I know many of them are.

T.I.N.H. This is not Haiti.

 

It’s been almost three weeks now that I’ve been home. Leaving Haiti was hard on many levels, but coming home was a delight. I don’t know when I’ve ever found so much delight in being with my family, cooking dinner with my mom and sisters, and settling my things into my cozy little room. It’s been great.

One day as I went about my room, unpacking things I had in boxes and making the place beautiful again, my heart just filled with thanksgiving. And then I thought about those people—those many, many, children and adults and elderly—who have no home and family like I do. And I sat in the corner in my room and cried.

Do I miss Haiti? Parts of it, yes. I miss Annie and Gerda and Lily and Reese and Nessa and Carla and Annika and Hunter and the cleaning ladies and the teal-blue water and the colorful busy streets of Saint Marc and… so many things. Here’s a couple pictures of some of the people I miss (the really good ones were taken by Annie Wesche):

 

 

 

 

You want to know something funny? I get encouraged by my own blog posts. I know, it sounds weird. But the things that God teaches me, sometimes I forget... and then I read what I wrote, and I remember.

Like tonight. Someone commented on an earlier post, and it made me think about it. Then I went and read it, and I was challenged and convicted by what I had written just a few weeks ago! But I guess that makes sense, since it was Jesus who was teaching me, not just my own nice thoughts. J

I really need to go. We are preparing for a graduation of some students in the year-long Ellerslie program tomorrow, and then early Monday morning, a group of us plan to leave at a ridiculous hour to head down toward México! I am super excited about what God has in store for this trip. It’s definitely going to be all Him, not us… (inward laugh) but He’s the only one who can change hearts and save lives, anyway, so that’ll be great. I hope to keep up blogging on the trip. We need any prayer we can get!

So… tonight I just want to declare His goodness, and His faithfulness even when it’s not blatantly obvious in the natural. There are a few things about my future that in the natural cause me a lot of fear and self-protection--just unknowns about what I'll be doing for this next season, etc.--but I choose to hand them over to my good and faithful Father, knowing that He will guide, He will keep me, and He will never leave me.

Why? Because I’m so good that He is obligated? NO!

It is just because that is who He is.

 
 

Learning love...

 

Oh yes, I have love. I find it very easy to love snuggly little brown babies who look up at me with twinkly eyes and give a huge smile. I have friends and family that I love, and I enjoy talking with them and sharing memories and investing in their lives. Even strangers I can love, when I look at them with God’s eyes and see not just a dirty little beggar on the side of the street, for instance, but a precious creation of the Almighty Father who is desperate to find his way home.  

I know what love is.

And yet, God has used this time in Haiti to show me how much I don’t know about love, how much He still needs to teach me and mold me into His image. He’s shown me this in the middle of the night, when I stumble out of bed for that same smiley brown baby, who is now wiggling around and screaming because I didn’t get her bottle ready fast enough, and I find myself frustrated. He’s shown me in the afternoon, when I would rather have some rest during the babies’ naps than spend time with some other little needy one. He’s shown me in my reaction to a friend’s suggestion that we help take care of little Daniel, the little Daniel I love and have longed to help, thinking it would be too much work with the babies we already have. He has shown me how little I know of love when I realize that I care more about being the one to love a little one than about that little one getting the love they need. It’s pathetic.

But it is not just my lack that God has been showing me. I am seeing something more, and it’s beautiful. I’m seeing a love that is not tainted by selfishness and not limited by fear. I’m seeing a joy that comes from complete abandon to the One who Himself is love; complete freedom to let Him move in me and do what He delights in, do what love does in a person, through a person. I do not have the fullness of that love yet, but I want it. I’ve seen glimpses of it, too, here in Haiti. And since the Fullness of Love is my Lord, then I know that His love is accessible to me. Oh, Jesus, let it come!

I was thinking this afternoon about how love and self-protection are so opposite; how whenever I operate in the fleshly pattern of taking care of self first, love is squashed and hindered. And then I remembered 1 John 4, and I drew a sharp breath in excitement. Perfect love casts out fear… (1 John 4:18) I had never before thought of that including the silly “little” fear of discomfort, pain, or loss; but I see it now. Self-protection really is fear; fear that God won’t take care of me well enough, that I have to guard myself against giving too much, trusting too much… whatever it is. And “there is no fear in love.” No; “the one who fears is not made perfect in love.” It all makes sense. I cannot abide in fear and in love—in God—at the same time, because they are opposites.

I have so much to learn, but I'm excited. The more we know Him, the more we know love. Oh, may we never stop or grow weary in this pursuit!

 

"... that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the

breadth and length and height and depth,

and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge,

that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:17-21

 

Sweet Gerda and her little friends