Here I am in Mexico again. I'm only here for a few weeks, I know, but my heart is singing with joy; joy in my good Father who will never leave or forsake me, and joy that for right now, He has led me here.

The following is a few glimpses of my life right now: the children. Just little instances, moments that made me stop and think, things about them that touched me.

 

A few days ago, I sat down next to Nayeli when she was reading something in her Bible and started talking to her about it. Then she started telling me about something it reminded her about, some memory with her family.

“It was raining,” she said, “And my uncle was crying because it was raining…”

“Why?” I asked, confused. “I love it when it rains!”

“Because the water would come all into the house,” she said.

I said, “Oh,” feeling ashamed of my thoughtlessness and amazed at my ignorance of true poverty. It sobers me to think of something so beautiful to me being something that would make a grown man cry. What these kids have seen and lived through…

 

The other night, bedtime prayers with one of the girls turned into a “telling God my whole life story” time. She told how her mom had left her with her grandma at only a year old. She told about how long it had been since she had seen her brothers.

“Please, let my brother come and see me!” she prayed. “Please let him come before Christmas. And please, help me learn to read."

 

 

David and Michelle Bonsell, the directors here at the school, are an amazing couple. My respect and admiration for them has grown lately, as I see them spend themselves for Jesus and these kids, day after day, year after year, full of faith and not complaining. I am so thankful that the children have "substitute parents" like that. But still, I can't imagine what it must be like for so many of them who have family members, but not a solid, healthy family they call their own.

It touched my heart to hear about the other day, when David and Michelle had the three littlest boys, brothers, in town. These boys have lived with them for several years now, and are probably the most 'at home' at the school out of all of them. But still... like I said. Well, apparently David was going to go into the store and get something, and one of the boys wanted to go with him. Then, on second thought, the little boy begged Michelle to come in, too. "Come on," he said, "Let's all go in together--like a family!"

Flor showed up yesterday, after having been gone for a week or so due to sickeness and family things. I was happy about that, since I hadn't seen her since I had been here. :) I had missed her.

A little while after that first happy reunion, I came into our room to get something. She was in here too, and we hugged again and exclaimed on how happy we were to see each other. She turned to me and signed, “Thanks to God you are here!”

I agreed with a smile, but she had more to say. “Remember when you were here before? You said to pray that you’d come back. Well, I did, and here you are!”

 

My present stretch of road: glimpses of the journey

I can finally say I know where the path is leading a few steps in front of me. At least, I know what I'm planning. That is something to thank Jesus about, right there! This time of waiting has been very good, and He has taught me persistance, patience, and focus through it all. It has not been easy, but it has been good. And now that He has worked things out and I have direction, I am very thankful and very excited for what He has in store, but I know now in a deeper way that His answer to my prayers is not so much the specific path laid before me, but just Himself.

These journal entries are just snapshots of what God has been doing and how He has been gently, faithfully leading me. I know, it's a long blog post. I would likely skim it if I were you. :) Only please, as you read this, don't get distracted looking at me or my confusion and imperfection or lack of persistance or anything else; look at Jesus and how patient and good He is. 

"This my song through endless ages: Jesus doeth all things well!"

 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

(A few days before leaving Haiti)

This morning I sat out under the little thatched pagoda, knees drawn up onto the hard bamboo bench, and looked out over a hot, mostly expressionless ocean.

“I trusted You to take me back to México,” I remembered softly, but with emotion, “and You did. I trusted You to give me the strength I needed, and the words I needed when I needed them, and You did. I trusted You to lead me, and You brought me here.”

I drew a deep breath. “I trusted You to make Your purpose for me being here clear, and to accomplish everything You wanted accomplished over this summer.” I swallowed hard, and my vision grew a little blurry as I looked out across the sea. “And even though I can’t see it all, I trust that You have. I trust that even when I am unfaithful, You are faithful—for You cannot deny Yourself. I trust,” I said, crying now, “that You are enough. I trust that what You have done in me and done through me over this time is enough, worth You bringing me here...

 

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

(Back at home)

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what people call “culture shock” or “jet lag” before. Not that I know of, anyway. But settling back in here has been a bit surprisingly difficult emotionally. I’ve found myself pretty up-and-down, and having to remember that is not what I go by. I’ve been ecstatically happy to be home, loving my room and feeling like I want to just stay in here forever, and then I’ve been terribly cross and irritable and not liking much of anything. I’ve had great times of prayer where it seems so clear, like the mist is gone and I can finally see ahead of me, and I’ve had feelings of aimlessness and apathy about the future. As I think and pray about what areas to plug in to and what this next season should look like, I’m not happy to find myself half-way wishing I could just stay at home with my family and lead a quiet, comfortable little life.

Oh Jesus, thank You, thank You that You don’t do that! Thank You that You didn’t change, that You haven’t stopped loving me or stopped having a will or a plan for the future, a plan that will glorify You and delight Your heart; and mine, when it’s right with You. I love You, my Father! I run into Your arms again right now. Don’t ever let me go.

 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My faith was strengthened again tonight, as I sat on the floor in the living room, listening to Dad tell about his journey to Truth. He got choked up as he recounted the time when he was lost in the mountains of Ecuador…

He was headed for the place where his friends were camping. He had been up there once before, but now a thick fog surrounded him, and he could not tell which way to go. Alone and afraid, he cried out to the Lord for help. Just then, the fog parted! He saw the path, and skipped down it in complete joy and thankfulness.

That evening he reached the area where he thought the camp should be, but by then the fog had closed in again, and he couldn’t see. Thinking it useless to go further in the growing dark, he was going to bed down for the night. But then he called out for his friends, just in case. And what do you know—the camp was only like 100 yards from where he stood, and his friends heard him!

That story jumped out at me with such significance. I saw myself in it. God has parted the fog for me before. He has guided me in amazing ways. I’ve seen Him work. But now, a little farther down the path, it’s foggy again and growing dark, so I find myself preparing to bed down there for the night. Almost as if hey, I’ve seen my miracle. I can’t expect another one. But I was reminded in this story that He still wants to do more. Why wouldn’t He?

Me and my bro :)

Monday, November 05, 2012

I think… I believe I am supposed to go to Mexico. I still don’t know all the details about when and how and where, but I am thinking soon, and staying ‘til Christmas.

I also think I really would love to go with His Little Feet after that, and it looks like that might work out. That… is exciting. J

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I just chatted with Petra, and started wondering if it’s worth going down there for such a short time. Even though it looks perfect for Kelly standing in for me with HLF, and Christa seems good with that, and I thought that was what I was supposed to do… I don’t know.

My God is still good.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Went bowling tonight with the HLF team. While we were out, Christa got word that the remaining four Haitian children have been approved for visa application. Thank You, Jesus!!! Kourtney responded with a chipper, “Now Christy’s coming on tour!” I wonder if she’s right. Jesus, thank You for Your guidance and Your perfect care.

 

Friday, November 9

So, where am I at with direction and plans? Well, today we found out that the tour has been set back again, which kind of confirmed my thoughts yesterday about just going ahead and going to Mochis for a month. But I do want to go on tour, after that if not before. At this point I just believe that God has set this opportunity before me and not said ‘no,’ so I think I will take it. As far as Mexico, today I have sensed Him affirming that it is His errand, so He will supply! I felt such a need to pray today, which I did have some time for this afternoon.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Tonight I’m still in limbo. J Sound familiar? Yes… I feel quite positive about going on tour, but I’m still trying to see how it could work to go down to MX first, and it’s proving to be a bit difficult. Oh well; no reason to stress about it now. I just don’t want to try and finagle something and push it into action if it’s not God’s doing, you know? Dad coming down is sounding like a pretty slim chance, so I’m having to decide if I would want to go ahead anyway. Lord, again, I need You! Thank You for leading me!!!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I still know no more on my future plans, but have a definite relief to feel like I’m waiting on other people to decide, instead of it all resting on “me”. I can wait. He is still working.

 

 

Monday, November 12, 2012

I have been feeling weary, but right now I feel at rest. Jesus, You are great! You are good. You are enough for me—my Bread of Life—no matter what is going on around me. Even if all my plans crumble to the ground, You are enough. But I will not fear that, because if I am trusting You, then my plans crumbling to the ground only means the opportunity to see Yours rise out of the ruins.

I praise You that when I am weak, You are strong. Well, that would be now. I am weak, Jesus! I don’t know where to go from here, how to work things out, when to push and when to wait. I will just trust You to be strong! And also realize that it’s not about knowing what I’m doing; it’s about abiding in You and being faithful where You have placed me RIGHT NOW. Even if all I know is five minutes at a time, You have given me what I need to be completely satisfied, strengthened, and full of joy in that.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Here I am, sitting on the other side of the mist. What do you know? I think that weary, half-desperate feeling that you’re never getting anywhere is almost like that dark hour before the dawn. I can’t say I wasn’t tempted to give up hoping that God would work something out for me and show me what it was, tempted to "settle down for the night in the middle of the fog," unaware that the destination was within hearing distance. But Jesus was faithful to encourage me, to give me glimpses of hope, to give me the strength to hold on to who He is.

Now I find myself standing in the fresh air looking out over a crisp, clear piece of scenery. My heart is smiling, a bit. No, laughing.

Tonight I could barely keep it in as we sat around in the living room for a time of worship with my family and a few friends. Finally I just looked up at Dad. “Can I say something?” He said ‘of course,’ so I opened my mouth and shared with them what God was doing. They all rejoiced with me. It hasn’t been easy waiting, I told them—and they know. They’ve wondered with me for the past couple of months, and are probably almost as relieved as I am to finally know something. J Our God is a good Shepherd!

 

So here is the plan: I fly out next Thursday (early Thanksgiving morning) with Erin, a friend of mine, to Mexico. We plan to be there for about three weeks, helping out at the deaf school however we can. God really guided and provided for this, and since it is something I believe that He put on my heart and made possible (as opposed to me just pushing my way because I wanted it so badly), I am excited to see how He sustains and moves and works during this trip!

After that, if it is His will, I will come back here to Colorado, spend Christmas with my family, and then head out with the His Little Feet international children’s choir for the next 9 months! It is still tentative, since it depends on a lot of very "hanging-in-the-balance" things as far as visas and such, but I know God will do what is best, and that is enough.

 

 

For any of you who find yourselves in similar situations as far as waiting and wondering, let me encourage you not to lose hope. These can be some of the most precious times, as Jesus draws you to Himself in a deeper way than ever before, and as your faith is tried and strengthened. You hold on to who He is and what He promised, even when you don’t see or feel it. Your faith is precious to Him. And remember: He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him! (Hebrews 11:6) Do not grow weary of seeking, or stop asking. Our God is a good Shepherd, and He never fails!