Warning-- long post. :)

Kourtney opened the door and stepped into the little hall that leads into our apartment. “We’re going to the crèche in about an hour,” she said.

“Great—thanks for letting us know,” I said. “I would like to go; we’ll see if it works.”

Finally—a chance to go see Hunter again. I had been asking Jesus for that, but… suddenly when I found out I could probably go, I was afraid. I know it sounds silly, even now writing it down, but it’s true. After thinking about Hunter so much in the last day or two and carrying a heavy heart over the fact that he was doing worse and facing the reality that in the natural, he will only get worse… I was afraid of what I might find. I was afraid he would be doing badly, and I would just turn into a mess. But then Jesus kindly showed me that that was just fear and self-protection, and a very sorry excuse for not going. That’s right, I agreed. I am freed to love, and to love freely, even if it hurts. Even if it kills me! So I went.

As soon as I could get there, I walked into the baby room, the yellow room filled with cribs and babies and cute plaques on the walls. My eyes scanned the cribs until I saw one on the far right with a… bigger baby in it. Hunter. I walked over, still with a twinge of apprehension but ready to face it.

There he was, lying on his back in his little orange polo shirt and blue shorts. He looked up at me when I talked to him. He smiled. I was so glad I had come.

For those of you who don't know Hunter, he is 4 years old and diagnosed with hydrocephaly (water on the brain) and stage 4 leukemia. Yet despite the fact that he mostly just lays in a crib all day, he's one of the happiest kids you'll meet. Pure sweetness!

So there he was. Yes, his head did look a little enlarged on one side, but other than that he looked pretty good. Still the same smiley, happy Hunter that I know. I couldn’t pick him up right then, since I had been sent on a little errand, but as soon as I was done I came back and got him, and we had a great time sitting outside. I took a little video, thinking that all of you will want to know him, too. (I know, it's one of those silly videos where the person taking it talks too much, but oh well. At least you get to meet Hunter!)

Self-preservation comes way too easily to me. It’s what you could call survival instinct, what you learn as you live and get hurt and figure out how to get what you want or need in this world, but it is actually contrary to the very basics of Christianity! Jesus doesn’t call us to follow Him our way, or add Him into our preexisting pattern for living. He’s asking for complete abandon of ourselves to Him. “If anyone wishes to come after Me,” says Jesus in Luke 9:23-24, “he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will find it.”

He is asking us to completely lay down our own wisdom, our own survival instinct that says we have to hold on to what is ours and protect ourselves from hurt and fight for what benefits us. Matthew chapter 6 is full of this concept. Jesus is showing us a new way, a life abandoned to the source of true life, a life supplied and protected by its Maker. It sounds radical, maybe even crazy, but He is telling us to take no thought for ourselves, for our lives, for what we want or even need. And yet, when you realize who it is who asks this, it makes perfect sense. Besides, as He points out to us, “who of you by being worried (taking thought) can add a single hour to his life?” (Mat. 6:27)

You might not be able to see right now what God is doing with your life. That’s okay. You might not like what you see in front of you, might not feel excited about it or think it is going to fulfill your dreams or make you feel alive or… it doesn’t matter. Please, I ask you this morning, don’t hold back! Don’t wait for something better. Don’t hesitate to give yourself where God is asking you to give. Don’t wish you were here in Haiti, or back at home, or married, or single, or somewhere that God is moving more obviously. If the road ahead of you looks bleak or blurry, relish the fact that you have the chance, today, to sacrifice an offering that will delight the heart of the King of Kings, your Great Intercessor, Jesus.

That’s what He is showing me this morning. To be honest, I have no idea what my future holds. To be honest, what I’m doing here in Haiti is not necessarily “the fulfillment of all my ministry dreams”. It doesn’t fit all the descriptions I’ve drawn up in my mind, or include all the people I love and miss. Yes, He has blessed me more than I could have asked here, given me so many beautiful times and friendships and opportunities and views, but that’s not what keeps me here, not what motivates me. Sure, sometimes the place God puts you is exactly where you love to be. There are moments of extreme joy and delight… but there are also moments quite opposite, and if you were hanging on the emotions to keep you going, you’d come crashing down and probably just go home to what’s comfortable, or run off to something more exciting.

But as you get to know your King, your motivation changes. This morning as I was talking to Him about all this, about the future and where He wants me and all that, I once again laid down all the self-preservation that so quickly creeps into my view of things, laid down my desire to stay and my desire to go, laid down having in my life what I choose. And tears started to run down my face as I realized how much more it means to know His delight than to have anything else in the world.

Think about it, friends—we have the chance to bring joy to the heart of our Father! I’m not talking about earning His love or gaining his affection; that is a free gift that has nothing to do with how good we are, but only with how good He is. But today, right now, we are working either for our own pleasure, the approval of others, or the applause of Heaven itself. Take some time today to gaze into the face of your Father, and let Him show you how ridiculous it is to seek anything else.

“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake, he is the one who will save it.” Luke 9:24